Always the Kitchen
by StoicMuch
Summary: Short stories that have been rambling in my brain or perishing on my thumb drive. [JECA]
1. The Talk

_AN: Ummm, first time. Please be gentle. I would like to thank _**amateur-hourd**, **cuticlecareenetwork **_and the girls on Twitter. You guys are an amazing support system. I know this because this would never have seen daylight without you. Thank you. _

**The Talk**

Jesse and Beca were in their kitchen contemplating tonight's dinner when their two children, ages 15 &amp; 14 walk in.

"Mom, Dad, today is sex talk day. Not the 'when you love someone' sex talk. The one that is specific and detailed and embarrassing on both sides. It takes place today or we'll be asking our friends or experimenting on our own. Take your pick. "

This was all said in one breath by 15 year old Dane and 14 year old Sarah nodding her head. Jesse looked at Beca and they had that silent conversation that couples who have been together a long time have.

Jesse then looked at the children and said "Kitchen table or bar stools? Becs, get the box. I'll get the easel." Beca ran upstairs to their bedroom. Just as her foot hit the top tread she hears, "Don't forget the stuff in the nightstand drawer..." Jesse walks into the family room picks up the art easel that has become a cork board holder in recent years and a pad of drawing paper and a Sharpie.

He and Beca met back up in the kitchen to find their children sitting at the breakfast bar with confused looks on their faces. Jesse sets up the easel and paper while Beca looks into the box for inspiration. Jesse comes up behind her, points to the condoms and says "I guess we start with those." He then takes 2 cucumbers from the refrigerator and hands them to his children, takes two bananas from the fruit bowl and hands one to Beca, then grabs the box of condoms and hands one to everyone.

"Ok, Lesson number one..."

Two hours later the two teenagers leave the kitchen with red faces and an inability to speak in full sentences. Jesse and Beca just slide down the counter and sit on the floor.

Jesse took a long look at his wife and says, "So, out of curiosity where did you get the stuff in the box?"

Beca just looks up and says "Oh, I Googled 'how to scare your teenagers sexless'. Then I went to the sex toy store and bought everything on the list."

"You're brilliant" Jesse says kissing her, then kisses her neck and whispers into her ear "do you think we can try page 57 tonight after they go to bed?"...

\

\

\

"Why aren't you as traumatized as I am?" Dane said shakily. He was lying on the sofa with his arm over his face.

"Because I caught them once," replied Sarah from the love seat. "Well…. almost caught them."

"You did?" Dane squeaked back, sitting up and staring at his sister. "Then why aren't you more traumatized? Why aren't you in therapy?" He was amazed that Sarah had never said a thing. Not even when he put forward the plan for the sex talk. He had been thinking about asking Samantha Davis for a date and wanted the skinny on any possibilities that may occur. Now, he wasn't so sure. Okay, he was sure he wanted a date but he was also pretty sure he wasn't ready for much more than a goodnight kiss.

"When?"

"When what?" asked Sarah.

"When did you catch them, nearly catch them, whatever?" Dane tried to specify.

"Oh, last week when I forgot my shin guards at home. I came in through the sliding door and heard these sounds coming from the sofa and I thought _'oooohhh Dane has a girl over when he's supposed to be at baseball practice. This will be good blackmail for the future_," Sarah said. "Then I tiptoed closer and well, it wasn't you. They still had their clothes on but… let's just say mom is _REALLY_ flexible. Like gymnast flexible."

Dane looked like he was about to be sick.

" I ran out the door as quickly as I could. Aunt Aubrey was there and she's like _'Sara you didn't get them and we're late." _ Sarah said, now looking stricken. She wiped her brow. " I couldn't really talk. It came out something like _'sofa. can't. mom. dad. clothes. no, no, no_.' "

"What did Aunt Bree say?" Dane croaked out in disbelief.

Sarah looked like she was about to faint.

"Aunt Bree just smiled a little, led me to the car door and said _You can borrow a pair, I'm sure, honey_. She didn't seem fazed at all."

"What?"

"Yep. So, when I calmed down a little, I asked why she didn't seem fazed. Her answer was that it wasn't the first time our parents have been caught."

Sarah said the last bit with a devious smile spreading on her face.

Dane saw the smile and said "Why the look?"

"Dude, **THAT** is something I can use in the future. Totally. So, I'm saving it for later."

THAT is Beca's daughter. To a T.

\

\

\

"Mom, a little help here please" Sarah came into the kitchen with the two vibrators and dildo from The Box.

"Which one is the uncircumcised one? I mean, do I have to date a Jewish guy? Cause this could be in my future…"

Beca pound her head against the wall. She knew having that second child was going to be trouble.

"Ask. Your. Father" There, her existence was his fault anyway.


	2. Spoo is Oops Spelled Backward

Spoo is Oops spelled backward

"Becs just do it, please."

Dane and Sarah walked into the house from school just as Jesse was pleading with Beca.

"No Jesse, it's just the flu. I told you that this morning. I don't know why you're being so stubborn about this." Beca looked like shit huddled on the couch. She was wrapped in her bathrobe, bags under her eyes and a sleeve of crackers in her hands.

Dane and Sarah watched fascinated from the doorway. Dad was never like this when mom was sick. He was usually solicitous and nice and cuddly. This borderline exasperation was new.

"Beca, for the love of God, I have had a love affair with your boobs for 25 years! I know when something is different! Now, if you would just go pee pee on the stick? After five minutes you can call me an asshole and I will make you a cup of tea and let you remind me how superior you are."

Now the kids were just enthralled. This was way better than homework or TV or a movie. The only thing missing was popcorn.

"Start the kettle and get the ketchup for that crow you're about to eat." Beca unearthed herself from her cocoon of blankets and marched off to the bathroom.

Jesse just walked into the kitchen to start the kettle. The kids put down their backpacks and followed. While Jesse was filling the kettle they settled themselves on the barstools.

It was Sarah who finally spoke, "Do we need to have a talk with you and mom about the proper use of birth control?"

Jesse chuckled and was about to answer when Beca spoke from the doorway, "We haven't used birth control for ten years. WE wanted more kids but I just never got pregnant again. This is why your dad is being very mean to bully me into peeing on a stick." So saying her piece, she slapped the stick on the kitchen island and returned to her nest on the couch.

Jesse just set the timer on his phone for five minutes and started scrubbing potatoes. He paused, turned to started the oven to preheat.

The kids just stared at the stick. So many thoughts running through their minds: _Eww the stick had pee on it; Wow their parents had sex, OMG a baby? _Neither quite knew how to feel.

"Staring at it like that won't make it go any faster," Jesse said as he prepared to bake the potatoes.

"Dad? What made you think mom's pregnant?" Dane asked, not sure he wanted an answer especially after overhearing the boob comment. Thinking of your mom's boobs is just weird.

"Not my first rodeo. I recognize the signs. She's too sick right now to recognize them." Jesse was grinning. He was happy and giddy and excited.

He leaned back against the counter, crossed his ankles, folded his arms across his chest waiting for the water to boil. Dane and Sarah were just as quiet as they watched the little plus sign appear on the test. They looked at Jesse with awe; he just smiled back at them.

"How do the two of you feel about this?" Jesse asked.

They were teenagers dating and college and baseball and homework and soccer were the things that consumed them. A baby? That would be something that affected the whole household. And that was before Beca's hormone swings made her into Jekyll and Hyde. Not to mention, Hyde tended to vomit as often as a stressed Aubrey!

"I think, dad, we should be asking you that, except you look very happy."


	3. Olives

**Olives**

Half an hour later as the potatoes were ready, the tea was steeping Beca walked into the kitchen having obviously just woken from a quick nap. She pulled herself onto a barstool and looked up as Jesse poured her a cup of mint tea.

"Thank you but I'd..." she started just as Jesse turned from the oven with a bowl a potato in it moving the softened butter closer to the bowl. Beca didn't acknowledge any of this she just started putting butter on her potato.

Jesse was busying himself at the kitchen counter while Dane and Sarah watched quietly from the kitchen table. This was just weird. Their parents were totally not acting like themselves. Jesse should be bouncing in his shoes and mom should be yelling or snarky or something. This quiet thing was just plain _weird_.

"Umm, Jesse?" Beca started but didn't finish that sentence as Jesse turned from the counter and put a bowl of feta stuffed olives in front of her. Beca didn't acknowledge him for that either just started eating the food.

Just as the silence was about to become too much for them they heard a sniff come from the island where their mom was eating. Then another sniff. As they watched a tear started to roll down Beca's cheek. Now was the time to freak out. Mom did NOT cry. Like ever. Jesse did not say a word at this either. Just reached over the refrigerator for a box of tissues, tore off the lid, and handed Beca a tissue. Then he again reached the top of the refrigerator and taking down two more boxes walked to the table, handed them to the kids saying "keep this with you at all times for the next seven months".

Sarah did some quick calculations in her head. Seven months? "So May dad?" she asked.

"I think so honey. Somewhere between your and Dane's birthdays." Jesse answered. Then prepared for the explosion.

"You unmitigated asshole! May?! That's it. No more sex on your birthday, EVER!" Beca launched herself from the barstool, grabbed the olives and tissues and marched out the door.

"She doesn't realize she said that, did she dad?" Dane asked. Not really wanting this up close look at his parents' lives.

"No, she'll realize sooner or later. How about you pretend you were deaf?" Jesse answered. Dane was easy. Jesse understood what went on in his son's mind having once been a teenage boy. Jesse watched as Dane took his tissues and walked into the living room.

Sarah, on the other hand... Sarah was leaned back in her chair looking at Jesse with a way too mature look on her face. "So, we're all three your birthday presents? Really?"


	4. Birth Announcement

Birth Announcement

"They're here they're here!" an excited Sarah came racing in from the mailbox.

Jesse and Beca couldn't guess what had Sarah so excited. Beca was sitting at the kitchen island relishing the ability to eat without vomiting. She had moved into the second trimester and they had decided it may be safe to tell people about the baby. They just had made no decisions how they were going to do that.

Sarah came into the kitchen waving a box a little bigger than a standard envelope about 4 inches thick. She put it down on the island while she hunted for a knife to cut into the packaging.

Jesse and Dane came into the kitchen curious to the loud exclamations from Sarah.

"Ah perfect! Dane look, I told you it was perfect." Sarah handed her brother one of the picture cards she took from the box. Dane smiled handing the card back to his sister.

Sarah handed Jesse the card as she exited the kitchen with "I have the envelopes in the other room ready to go."

Jesse looked down at the picture on the holiday card doing his very level best not to laugh.

It was a picture of Dane and Sarah holding the ultrasound photo they had gotten just a few weeks before. Beside the picture was the greeting:

Mom should have just gotten dad a watch for his birthday.

Happy New Year from the Swansons

Jesse, Beca, Dane, Sarah, and Spoo

Beca glanced over Jesse's arm. "I'm too tired to kill her. You do it"


	5. Name Game

Name Game

One day in Beca's eighth month she was sitting at the kitchen table listlessly eating a bowl of yogurt when the rest of the family joined her. She really wasn't in the mood for company she was tired, cranky, huge, bloated the list was endless. This pregnancy was going to kill her she was sure of it. It was a whole lot easier in her twenties. She really didn't remember feeling this tired all the time.

While Jesse and Dane were starting supper Sarah sat down across from Beca.

"Okay, we're at month eight here people and there are things we should discuss." Jesse didn't skip a beat just started laughing under his breath. Looking at Beca he said "she is so like you", Beca was less amused by her daughter, "what is on your agenda there muchacho?"

"Since we're not finding out the sex of the bambino I thought tonight would be a good time to figure out names. But, Dane and I were curious just how did you come up with ours? Considering you both work in the music industry we're a little surprised that one of us isn't named Sting or Nirvana or Wolfgang or Bear (McGeary)."

Jesse just continued to chuckle. It was like watching Beca talk to herself in a mirror. Dinner and a show!

"It was a thought. But we live in LA home of the oddly named children like Pilot or Briar Rose or Kal-el. So we decided to name you guys, after much debate, after our secondary hobbies film and literature. "

"Uh huh, so Dane Malcolm is what?" Dane asked for the first time actually curious.

"Yeah baby, sorry you were a mistake. Your name was supposed to be Dante, as in Inferno, but _someone_ forgot the 't' when doing the birth certificate. And Malcolm is totally your dad's fault as he made me watch Serenity in a hormonal surge and Captain Reynolds is totally hot." Beca had a dreamy smile on her face as she reminisced on Nathan Fillion as a spaceship captain.

Dane shuddered a little. He could have done without that last bit. Instead of dwelling on that he looked at Jesse, "why did you forget the T dad?"

"You peed on me while I was learning how to change your diaper" Jesse answered. As far as he was concerned being peed in the face was reason enough to have forgotten the damn T.

"Okay, now I have to know. Sarah Kathleen?" all open earnestness Sarah looked at her parents.

Jesse looked a little chagrined. "Well honey, you have to understand, your mom was a little difficult when she was carrying you. And, Sarah? When I say 'little' infer 'insufferable'. So, one day I said having Sara Connor in the house everyday was getting difficult to deal with."

"Terminator! You named me after Terminator!" Sarah was outraged. Jesse and Dane, on the other hand had to stop what they were doing because they were laughing too hard.

"Mom? Terminator? Why did you let him do that?"

Beca just looked at Sarah with a bit of sympathy. "Honey it could have been so much worse you know. But, Kathleen is from Gone With the Wind, Scarlet's first name is Kathleen. I thought it sounded pretty so I let him keep it."

"Well, it's done now. Let's have some suggestions for Spoo here. Let's start with girl names" pen poised to begin the list Sarah waited for suggestions.

"Literary name for girl Lorelei, end of discussion. It's the song the Sirens sing to lure sailors to shipwreck" Beca threw that out there and continued to placidly eat her yogurt. She could deal with this since she was in no way required to move or think much at all. Very relaxing. And if they thought she was moveable on Lorelei they were quite wrong. Beca just listened as her family tried numerous variations and name combinations. They'd figure it out soon enough. After all, she had final veto.

"Hey dad, wasn't Lauren Bacall's character in Have and Have Not named Sylvia?" Dane really liked old movies. He and Jesse could spend entire weekends just comparing classic movies by category, by director, by main actors. It was unbelievably geeky. Beca loved it; Sarah rolled her eyes not quite believing this was her family life.

"No, that was Sex and the Single Girl" answered Jesse.

Everyone just stopped. Sylvia Lorelei Swanson.

"Okay everyone. Don't say anything just run it over in your mind for the next couple of days. She would be stuck with this for the rest of her life. Now, let's talk boy names."


	6. Scissors

**Scissors**

One year later…

Beca lifted herself from the bathroom floor, padded over to the sink to rinse out her mouth. She grimaced at her reflection in the mirror. _Looking good this morning Mitchell, not._ She didn't need the plus sign to show on the test on the counter. She knew what was happening. She knew. And that rat bastard husband of hers had some serious consequences coming his way for this cluster.

It wasn't that Beca wasn't thrilled with her life. She had two teenagers who beyond their serious sex talk of a year ago have now had an up close and personal look at the business of babies. Her last pregnancy progressed very much like the first two: horrendous morning sickness the first trimester, serious hormone swings the second trimester and the mood swings to the finish line that Jesse swore gave them all whiplash. But at the end, same as the first two times, Beca awoke from her post birth nap to see Jesse holding a newborn a look of such awe and love on his face that she reconsidered letting him touch her again.

Only this time it was not just Jesse crooning to the baby it was Dane and Sarah as well. The teenagers had not been in the room during delivery. Everyone had decided to forgo that but they had been just outside the door. They had been there through everything until the doctor announced it was "Time to Party". Twenty minutes later they were back in the room anxious to hold their new sister at the same time a little more frightened of their mother. Beca had no idea what she had yelled/screamed during that twenty minutes but it was enough that Dane and Sarah were impressed.

Little Lorelei Swanson most definitely ran this house and had her older siblings and father wrapped around her tiny little fingers. Beca had no issue with this. Jesse had always been an exemplary father and was teaching the older children by example how to be a parent. She was very proud.

At the same time, she had truly thought that was it.

Then the nausea returned.

Beca showered, dressed, collected her stick and walked downstairs to the kitchen. Jesse's consequences were imminent.

Beca walked into the kitchen and the site that met her eyes had her resolve faltering. Who doesn't melt seeing their family together at the table making funny faces at a baby? And such a cute baby. Beca took hold of her backbone, grabbed the scissors from the knife block moving to sit across the table from Jesse.

Jesse looked at Beca questioningly.

_Slap. Onto the table went the positive pregnancy test._

_Slam. Onto the table went the scissors._

Wordlessly Beca moved Jesse's phone next to the scissors. She reached out her right hand picked up the scissors in her left hand she picked up his phone then raising her eyes to his she said "you call your doctor and have a professional do it **or **I do it a little more old school."

Jesse didn't say a word. Just stood up taking Beca's face in both his hands kissing her hard on the mouth. "I love you so much Becs." Then he took the phone from Beca's hand and dialed his doctor. "Hey, yeah I need to schedule a vasectomy…." Still grinning a foolish grin he sauntered out of the kitchen.

Dane had had enough of his weird family. He picked up Lorelei tucked her in his arms saying "the baby and I are too young for this stuff" and exited the kitchen.

Sarah. Sarah just looked at her mother.

"I thought dad didn't get sex on his birthday anymore?"


	7. Last Birth Announcement

Last Birth Announcement

Jesse saw the package in the mailbox and brought it into the house before Beca could see it. He thought it may be the better part of valor that she didn't quite yet. After last year's announcement, which everyone thought was funny as hell; Jesse was not sure what his oldest daughter had cooked up for this year.

And it would be Sarah. Dane was not a stupid boy but his humor was more like Jesse's and less twisted than Sarah and Beca. He could, and did, appreciate that his sister was both exasperating and entertaining in equal measure. So, the impetus for the picture birth announcements would be Sarah's but Dane would find and appreciate the humor just as much.

Jesse opened the packaging lifted the top of the box. What he saw took a moment to process but when it did he, like Dane, found and appreciated the humor.

When Beca came into the kitchen minutes later she found Jesse shoulders still shaking and tears running down his face holding a picture in his hand. Slightly worried what would do that to him Beca took the photograph from him.

The picture postcard was much like last year's except the new picture was all three kids in matching hoodies with the new ultrasound photo. To the right of the photo was this year's message.

Seriously Mom, a watch!

Happy New Year from the Swansons

Jesse, Beca, Dane, Sarah, Lorelei and OMG

"Have we figured out where to bury the body?"


	8. More Names

More Names

"All right people we find ourselves in the same place as just a year ago." Sarah sat at the kitchen table with her tablet once again. "The major difference from last year is that knowing the naming scheme Dane and I have been bouncing ideas around and come to our meeting today with options to present to you, the parents."

"This isn't a meeting Sarah, we call this breakfast." Beca was not in a cheerful mood. She had not been in a cheerful mood for about 3 weeks. Behind her back family and friends had started calling her Kracken. Not completely in a humorous way.

"Uh huh. So, we have girl options for you to consider. We thought either Arya or Alia; Game of Thrones or Children of Dune. But middle name Beatrix with an x as in Potter or with a c, Beatrice, as in Divergent. What do you two think?" Sarah looked up from her tablet to see her mom and dad thinking and Dane playing peek-a-boo with Lorelei. Life sure had taken a turn for the weird in their house these last two years.

Jesse and Beca mulled over the names silently for a while. "Give us some time with those. What do you have for boys?" Jesse asked.

"That one was easy. Tobias, no middle yet," Dane answered.

"Why was that easy?" asked Beca.

The other three just looked at Beca incredulously, "duh, Four, mom, Four!" answered Dane.


End file.
